I really am a Fortunate Fool

It's been almost 9 months since I've last updated this blog but I needed a place to write down what I'm feeling, and I figured this was a good a place as any. I'd be surprised if anyone will even ever see this but that's no big deal.

I've had my dog Jinx since I was seven. My little brother was only 4 and I distinctly remember the day we picked him out from his litter at the shelter. I remember asking my mom if we could have all of his brothers and sisters. I remember bringing him home and running over to Adrian's house to show him off. I remember how well he got along with our old dog, Scruffy, at the time. I remember how protective Jinx used to get of me when he was younger whenever my dad would hug and/or tickle me. I remember the night we had to put Scruffy to sleep and how rambunctious he was while we were trying to get a picture of everyone before she passed. I remember crying when I moved out of my parents’ house - not because I was sad to leave my family but more because I was sad to leave Jinx. I remember all of my friends poking fun at how old Jinx was, but secretly loving him. I remember his wretched breath that he got way back when and even the Vet said there was nothing we could do about it. I remember getting teary-eyed every time I visited Atco for a weekend and had to make the trek back up to Clifton. I will remember each and every one of those things forever.

17 years later, I still love that dog like he is my little brother (sorry, Ry, but it’s true). I went home this past weekend and my family had somewhat of an intervention with me. I heard things like, “Jinx is getting so old, Shan,” “He’s in so much pain,” “We really need to start thinking about putting him down,” etc. etc. We’ve had the conversation before. My entire family is scared to bring it up to me because they all know how much I love him. I respect them for that, really. Because it means they get it. They know how much I love him and they know I don’t want to hear it but they know it’s for the best. And deep down, so do I. So before I left my parents this past weekend, we agreed that we would put him to sleep the next weekend I’d be home, which will be June 19th for Father’s Day weekend.

As I drove back to Clifton, I cried and thought about Jinx and about how hard 6/19 will be for not only me, but my entire family. But by the time I arrived in Clifton, I had pretty much accepted it and come to terms with the fact that we would be putting my best friend of 17 years to sleep. That being said, it was the last thing I wanted to think about. I figured I had two whole weeks to not think about it. Not worry about it. Not cry about it.

Until Tuesday night. I was hanging out at two of my best friends’ apartment – Cristin and Colleen's. We were having a good time. My phone rang and we even joked around that my “I want you to want me” ringtone was an inappropriate one to have for my dad calling me. And then I picked up the phone. And heard my dad crying. And I knew.

Jinx was outside and all of a sudden his front legs wouldn’t work. He’s had bad arthritis for years and I guess it finally got too bad. My parents made the executive decision to put him to sleep last night and my dad was calling to see if there was anything I wanted him to bury with Jinx. I was too upset to even think of anything but my mom did tell me she saved his collar for me. I think what upset me the most is that I had all intentions of seeing him one more time before this happened. Everything does happen for a reason, and I suppose it’s probably for the best that I didn’t have to see him like that.

I’m actually really glad I was with two of my closest friends when I found out because they were amazing. I felt silly crying so hard about a dog, but they didn’t care. In all reality, when I take a look at it, my friends are really very amazing. From Cristin giving me her stuffed animal, Donuts, to cuddle with, to Colleen snuggling up beside me, to the Dunkin Donuts breakfast Cristin bought me this morning and left on my desk, to the cupcake that Kelly gave me because she feels sad for me, to Computer Mark coming to talk to me, to Chris telling me he understands, to my boyfriend making me laugh even when all I wanted to do is cry, to the friend who completely understands that the last thing I feel like doing tonight is going out to dinner, to the countless texts and emails and facebook posts I’ve gotten from friends – old and new, those I talk to all the time and even those I don’t. I really am lucky.

And I’m not sure if I’m overreacting or what but all I do know is that Jinx has been a massive part of my life since before I can remember. I’ve been dreading 6/19 because I didn’t want to go home and face the reality that we had to put him to sleep. I’m still dreading 6/19 but now for a different reason. I don’t want to go home and face a house that doesn’t have him in it.

However, when I look back at the past 17 years, I know I just need to remember all of the good times. It really does feel like a member of my family has died, and in all reality, he has. Looking back, this is just another perfect example of why I even named this blog what I did. I suppose I really am a Fortunate Fool. Thank you, Jinx, for 17 amazing years.

I think my mom said it best when she updated her facebook status this morning to say: I guess you don't really own a dog, you rent them, and you have to be thankful that you had a long lease. RIP Jinx!! Thank you for making our lives full!!!

why do trainers cost so much?

You know, some gyms even provide trainers for FREE. I mean, their memberships probably cost much more than the $30 per month I pay, but still. I was lucky enough to get a personal trainer package for $249 for 10 sessions. Which, if you know anything about personal training, is an INCREDIBLE deal. So naturally, I was very pleased with this and took him up on it. Now originally, I was training with this one guy, we'll call him J. I went through 3 of my 10 sessions with him before he texted me one night and cancelled for the next morning's session. This happened for 3 mornings in a row, until he finally told me that he had been let go by the gym. Ok, no big deal. Whatever I just kept training on my own even though I still had 7 sessions left. Then one morning while I was working out by myself, a different trainer, we'll call him A, asked me if I was interested in personal training blah blah spiel spiel. I told him how I still had 7 sessions left (probably much to his dismay since I wasn't actually going to be making him any money) and from then on we decided to train together. Fast forward to this past Tuesday morning, which just so happened to be the last of my 10 sessions. Naturally, A tried to convince me to purchase another package. Now, being the normal 23-year-old that I am, I’m not afraid to say that I’m pretty broke. I make good money but I also spend good money. I’m not afraid to buy a new dress, a new book, or a couple (many) beers on the weekends (or during the week for that matter). That being said, I was thinking about possibly spending another $250 on a 10-session package. I told him that I could probably swing $250 for another and then A goes, “oh…uh…that’s only the price for introductory packages. Your new package would cost…” and he holds out his phone, where he had typed the new price (probably because he would have had a HEART ATTACK if he had to actually say this dollar amount). I sit up and check out his phone: $1104!!!!!!!!!!!

…uh, are you kidding???! I obviously went on and told him that I can’t even fathom affording that. A, being the douche bag he is, went on to say “well you don’t have the money but you sure do have the weight to lose (really, you think?). Maybe you should consider getting a second job.”

Ummmm...maybe you should get a second job because hey guess what? I’m not getting a second job to support your life. Also – when exactly would I get a second job? Like I mentioned before, I’m a big fan of fun weekends so I’m obvi not getting rid of that. He suggested a “night job.” I’m still not sure if he was implying I become a prostitute or what, but I told him if I got a “night job” there would be no need for a personal trainer because hey, guess what? I wouldn’t HAVE TIME TO EAT so I’d naturally lose weight from becoming an anorexic.

Thanks asshole.

UPS probably thinks I'm crazy. I don't care.

So Adrian forwarded me the tracking number for my camera the other night. obviously, i've been a freak about tracking it since. all day at work on wednesday i was checking the tracking number online. it said "third delivery attempt failed because recipient was not present for signature." obviously i saw this and was disappointed. i figured i would just sign something and be able to get it on thursday. but - since i am the luckiest person alive - on my way home from work i was literally around the corner from my apartment I see a giant UPS truck stopped at someone else's house. I debated stopping but passed by and pulled into my driveway. I sat there for a second and thought - why not? I pulled out of my driveway and pulled over right next to the UPS truck. I explained the situation: i was waiting for a delivery, not there to sign, i live around the corner. the driver asked me what my name and address was and where the package was coming from. I told him and signed for my camera and there you have it. i really am the luckiest person ever.

I'm in love with the camera but have yet to use it for anything besides self-portraits. I'm headed to AC tonight with Cristin and Colleen so i will definitely be testing it out there. ALSO - it's supposed to be VERY nice this weekend (aka i will be spending A LOT of time by a beach/pool) and will also use the camera then.

SO EXCITED.

Happy Birthday Liz!

23 years ago on this day, one of my best friends in the world was born. I just want to say happy birthday to one of the best people I know, Lizabeth Kimmie Walther. Being friends with you has done many things for me. I’ve learned to laugh at any and every situation, I’ve learned that sometimes having thick skin is good for you, I’ve learned that spending a spontaneous Valentine’s Day with your best friend in NYC can beat out a romantic Valentine’s Day with a boyfriend (most of the time), I’ve learned that boys will come and go but best friends are there forever, I’ve learned that even though most other people in the world think it’s a bit strange, I find it oddly awesome that my best friend is living with my parents, in my old bedroom, even though I live two hours away. While I’m sitting at work, you’re spending a lovely (well-deserved) day on the beach.
I’m more than jealous and wish you the best birthday ever! Love you.

luckiest ever.

so i've said many times before that i am one of the luckiest people i know. today is a testament to that.

so you may have read how my camera stopped working this past weekend. as i said, it was a sad, sad day. last night, i updated my facebook status to say: "mourning the death of my camera. who wants to contribute to my next one? i'd love you forever." clearing being my sarcastic self and trying to have some humor in this sad situation.

on a sidenote: i am 23 years old have been friends with adrian for 23 years. we grew up as next door neighbors and were pretty much inseparable since then. a few years back she moved to omaha nebraska and obviously we haven't gotten to see each other nearly as much as we wanted. we rely heavily on facebook and texting to stay as close as we have.

so anyway. last night adrian commented on my facebook status and asked what kind of camera i had and if i was looking at getting a new one. i told her pretty everything that i wrote in my earlier post, and that was that. she said she had something to send me, that might help me make a decision. i assumed it was a book or something like that. then today i get a text from her telling me "DO NOT BUY A CAMERA i bought one for you!"

....are you joking? i was at work, sat there in shock, and didn't know what to write. so obviously my first response was, "are you out of your mind????!" she admitted that while she might be, she did indeed buy me the exact camera i wanted (the yellow/green olympus styulus tough 6000) and it will be arriving at my apartment this thursday or friday. after fighting back and forth with her about whether or not i would accept this gift, i think it's safe to say that i lost that battle.

SO. this leads me back to my belief that i am the luckiest person i know. and i'm not just talking about my great luck in getting this camera as a gift. i'm talking about the people i've chosen to surround myself with. this is really a testament to them and how great they are.

i asked adrian if there was something she wants as much as i wanted that camera, because i clearly owe her. her response struck me, and i think it's something everyone can/should learn from. she said, "i don't want anything. i am more than happy with the things that i have. that's why i wanted you to have something! my life is simple and happy =)" i think everyone should live their life so that this is true.

thank you adrian! you are simply amazing. i owe you big time. i am already scheming for many christmas and birthday presents to come. thank you for being the constant definition of a best friend in all of my 23 years.

RIP Olympia

anyone who remotely knows me knows that im obsessed with pictures. all aspects, really. taking them, being in them, posting them, everything.

so clearly it was a sad sad day when i realized that my amazing little yellow/green Olympus SW 790 is no longer working. i've had it since Christmas 2007 and i love it. it's waterproof, shockproof and freezeproof and has definitely been put to the test. i brought it snorkeling with me in the bahamas and boogie boarding with me in the dominican republic. it's been dunked in plenty of pitchers of beer and used as a toy to occupy a 4 and 6 year old in a pool on many occasions. it will be missed. RIP.



here's the new dilemma in my life. albeit a small dilemma in the grand scheme of things, i still consider it one.

I need a new camera. This is not an option. I do not function well without one. Not to mention that i have 5 straight upcoming weekends with events i know i will want to photograph (14th - AC, 21st-24th - OCMD, 28th - friends bday party, 29th - Kayleigh's Annual Summer Party, 5th - Dane Cook in AC).

Here is what i do have options on: do i get a cheaper camera (not waterproof) just to have one and save up for the one i really want. OR do i just splurge and get the one i really want (which costs around $250)? the thing is - remember those bills i was complaining about in my last post? they're still there. but to me a camera fall under the necessities category. i could always charge it and pay it off slowly but surely. (clearly this is what i'm leaning towards).

The new one would be an Olympus Stylus Tough 6000 which is basically just a new and improved version of my beloved camera. It's waterproof, shockproof and freezeproof but is 10.1 megapixels (instead of 7), has a much larger screen, much better zoom, etc. it's awesome. and it still comes in the color that i love oh so much.



i just don't see the point in spending money to fix the old one or buy a cheaper, non-waterproof when i could just put that money towards this baby. also - at this point i'm so used to have a more rugged, waterproof camera that i think going back would be a mistake on my end and wind up costing more anyway. not to mention that my friends have come accustomed to playing the "lets dunk shanas camera in beer and pretend we hate her to scare/amuse other people" game and i fear that they might continue that game without realizing my new camera isnt waterproof.

i know this is a lot of rambling just about a camera but i'm just trying to weigh my options. any thoughts/suggestions?

i am not a grown up.

i'm in denial that i have grown up.

there. i said it. everything is pointing to me still being a kid. all i want to do is hang out. take naps. drink beers. have fun. (okay so maybe kids don't drinks beers but i'm not willing to give that up).

unfortunately, my rent, cable, gas, electric, student loanS (yes, plural) and all the other bills are saying otherwise.

by the time i get home from work most nights, all i want to do is eat dinner, relax and get to bed. therefore, ive been trying to have as much fun as possible on the weekends. it's a vicious cycle really. because this lack of sleep on the weekends just escalates during the work week. but in the words of my dad, "it all comes with the territory. you're not a kid anymore."

on a different note - my dad has been unemployed for quite a few months now. last time i was home i helped him update his resume and today he asked me to apply to a job at Fedex for him. ever since he was laid off (stupid economy) he's been in denial and hasnt wanted to get back to work. says he doesn't want to grow up. in a way, its been great for him to be around while my mom got her surgeries (knee and back). but i think he's realizing that it's time for him to step up and get a job again. today he said something that made me tear up. He said, "i realized i want to be just like you when i grow up."

now that i think about it...if it makes my parents proud then maybe i DON'T mind being a grown up.